Jokes and Quotes Misc

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember: half the people you know are below average.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but dogs don’t get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I intend to live forever -- so far so good.
Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don’t expect it back.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
The only substitue for good manners is fast reflexes.
Support bacteria -- it’s the only culture some people have.
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get until after you need it.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Bills travel though the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Realize that no matter what you do, the grocery store
check-out line you’re in will always take the longest.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Anything you buy will go on sale the next day.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The colder the x-ray table the more of you body is required on it.
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to your ability to reach it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behine the more time you’ll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
Get a new car for you spouse -- it’ll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous -- tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving isn’t for you.
jokes

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EVER WONDER?

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think
I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes
out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there?
I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song
about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time,
but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed
if they are going to look up there anyway?

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They’re both dogs!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme
crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (sound it out...)

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made
from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come
from morons?

13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star
have thesame tune?

14. Stop singing and read on....

15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he
gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head
out the window? ...

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IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10
cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8
cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day. AT WORK...you only get
a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK...you
get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all
the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK...you get
fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet. AT WORK...you have to
share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit. AT
WORK...you can’t even speak to your family.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no
work required. AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go
to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for
prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to
get out. AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get
out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT
WORK...they are called managers.

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That Sums It Up
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man smart woman = romance
Smart man dumb woman = affair
Dumb man smart woman = marriage
Dumb man dumb woman = pregnancy
SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife
can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
POSTULATES
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and
love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try
not to understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men
are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there’s no
use in two people remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he
doesn’t.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change,
and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.
There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.

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Here are 16 actual error messages reportedly seen on the computer
screens in Japan, where some are written in Haiku.
Aren’t these better than
"your computer has performed an illegal operation"?
...................................................
The Web site you seek cannot be located, but countless more exist.
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Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
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Program aborting: Close all that you have worked on. You ask far too
much.
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Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your
screams.
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Yesterday it worked. Today it is not working. Windows is like that.
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Your file was so big. It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
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Stay the patient course. Of little worth is your ire. The network is
down.
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A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
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Three things are certain: Death, taxes and lost data. Guess which has
occurred?
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You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not
here.
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Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.
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Having been erased, the document you’re seeking must now be retyped.
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Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared.
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Screen......Mind..........Both are blank.
Subject: go figure
Two tough questions
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already,
three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded,
and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the answer for t

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Quotes
Fear not my insanity, fear the mind it protects.
Do not disturb. I had a hard enough time getting turbed in the
first place.
I stayed in a really, really old hotel last night. They sent me a
wake-up letter.
Repeating what others have said requires education; challenging
it requires brains.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door went nuts!
My antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
Expansion slots: The extra holes in your belt buckle.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I like to paint passing lines on curved roads.
Expect the best, prepare for the worst and capitalize on what
comes.
Speed kills - slow infuriates!
Pushing my luck is a great way to stay in shape!
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone else get your way.
Time flies when you have no idea what you are doing.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
Draft beer, not people!
She who laughs the last thinks the slowest.
The severity of an itch is without a doubt proportional to the
reach.
Common sense isn’t very common at all.
Who put a stop payment on my reality check?
Hospital is a place where they wake you up to give you a sleeping
pill.
He who slings mud loses ground.
If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.
That which is acquired without difficulty is dispersed with equal
facility.
The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.
People are funny. They want the front of the bus, middle of the
road, and the back of the church.
Please do not complain about the coffee. You’ll be old and weak
someday, too!
Killing time murders opportunities.
Let nature take its course and hope it passes.
Life is like a grammar lesson. You find the past perfect and the
present tense.Hospital is a place where they wake you up to give you a sleeping
pill.
He who slings mud loses ground.
If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.
That which is acquired without difficulty is dispersed with equal
facility.
The best way to get back on your feet: miss a car payment.
People are funny. They want the front of the bus, middle of the
road, and the back of the church.
Please do not complain about the coffee. You’ll be old and weak
someday, too!
Killing time murders opportunities.
Let nature take its course and hope it passes.
Life is like a grammar lesson. You find the past perfect and the
present tense.
A person who can’t lead and won’t follow makes a great roadblock!
Rome didn’t create a great empire by scheduling meetings; they
did it by killing all those who opposed them.
After all is said and done, more is said than done.
If I worked as much as others, I would get as little accomplished
as they do.
The first 90f a new project takes 10f the time, the
remaining 10akes the other 90f the time.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
Odd objects attract fire - never creep behind one!
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce. -- Groucho Marx
Tracers work both ways.
If we’re not supposed to eat animals then why are they made out of
meat?
A bore is someone who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it. --Henry
Ford
I’m not an alcoholic, I’m a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.
The number one cause of divorce is marriage.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
Athletes love to score!
Yes, I’ve heard of decaf - what’s your point?
I’ll finish that project tomorrow, I’ve made enough mistakes today!
My computer doesn’t understand me.
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"He can compress the most words into the smallest
idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
"I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But, this
wasn’t it." - Groucho Marx
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -
Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting
from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker
forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame
them."- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt,
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A little bit of wisdom!!!

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,
for
I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell
alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a
leaky
tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your
neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be
promoted.

5. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of
car
payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in his shoes.
That
way, when you criticize him, you’re a mile away and you have his shoes.

9. If at first you don

Te quiero y te extrano too

Bits Bytes Chips Clocks
Bits in bytes on chips in box.
Bytes with bits and chips with clocks.
Chips in box on ether-docks.
Chips with bits come. Chips with bytes come.
Chips with bits and bytes and clocks come.
Look, sir. Look, sir. read the book, sir.
Let’s do tricks with bits and bytes, sir.
Let’s do tricks with chips and clocks, sir.
First, I’ll make a quick trick bit stack.
Then I’ll make a quick trick byte stack.
You can make a quick trick chip stack.
You can make a quick trick clock stack.
And here’s a new trick on the scene.
Bits in bytes for your machine.
Bytes in words to fill your screen.
Now we come to ticks and tocks, sir.
Try to say this by the clock, sir.
Clocks on chips tick.
Clocks on chips tock.
Eight byte bits tick.
Eight bit bytes tock.
Clocks on chips with eight bit bytes tick.
Chips with clocks and eight byte bits tock.
Here’s an easy game to play.
Here’s an easy thing to say....
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn’t hash,
then your situation’s hopeless, and your system’s gunna crash.
You can’t say this? What a shame, sir!
We’ll find you another game, sir.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
that’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side-effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gunna hang!
When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,
and the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM.
quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

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feel sorry for people who don’t drink.
When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren’t drunk,they’re sober.
--William Butler Yeats
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce
George Carlin Imponderables
1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does
he become disoriented?
2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren’t people from Holland
called Holes?
3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What’s a whack?
4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your
two cents in... what happens to the other penny?
8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale
bread to begin with?
10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a race car not called a racist?
12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
14. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?
15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow
that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,
models deposed, tree surgeons debarked,and dry cleaners depressed?
17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
19. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?
20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot
more as they get older; then it dawned on me: they’re cramming for their
final exam.
21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are
we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on
the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the
mail?
23. If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are
the others here for?
24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.

You’re just jealous because the little voices talk to ME.
I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
Did you have anything to do with the failure of
Preparations A thru G?

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Please try to get the voices in your head to come to a consensus.

I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
I’m already visualizing the masking tape over your mouth.
I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
No, my powers can only be used for good.

We’re the team that puts the "K" in "Kwality"
Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
I don’t have a solution, but I admire your problem.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

How about never?
Is never good for you?

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ANCIENT CONFUSED WISDOM
* Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
* A backward poet writes inverse.
* A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
* Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
* Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
* Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
* A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
* A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
* Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
* Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
* Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
* Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
* When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
* A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
* What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
* Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
* In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
* She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
* A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
* If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
* With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
* When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
* The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
* You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
* Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
* He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
* Every calendar's days are numbered.
* A lot of money is tainted - It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.
* A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
* He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
* A plateau is a high form of flattery.
* A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
* Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
* Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
* Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
* Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
* Acupuncture is a jab well done